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Monday, November 29, 2004

A1A.... 

BEACHFRONT AVENUE!!!!

Yeup. Just got back from a 120 hour Thanksgiving weekend trip to Florida. Good stuff. Golf. Food. Pool time. Princess sleeping incessantly. Good times.

For those of you who haven't been in a long time, you've got to get back down there, if only to remind yourself that the driving in your particular city could be MUCH worse.

You've got the old folks going 25 in a 65, the young hot shots with the pimped up Yugos going 65 in a 25, and then you've got random acts of stupidity - see any mall parking lot this weekend. If you're not driving, it's comical. If you are driving, I'm sorry.

My latest peeve? Razor scooters. Let me revise - kids cruising around the mall in Razor scooters, coming within millimeters of knocking Princess over. While their father is watching. And saying nothing. Until Princess says something to Scooter Boy Number I along the lines of "Hit me, and I'll hit you".

4 foot 11, and she could still beat the snot out of Ron Artest.

Don't get me started on that NBA fight. Please. I have way too much to say about that, and not enough time or space to say it. Needless to say, I find it hysterical that the whole Desperate Housewives on Monday Night could be construed as racism, yet Artest going psycho into the stands and grabbing a scrawny white guy gets no press. Whatever.

By the way, if you're keeping track, airline flights with screaming children on them are quickly becoming a more effective form of birth control than the pill.


The latest from MJ? She told me I should really check out Filene's Basement. They have great sales. And their stuff is much better than Saks. Who knew?

Monday, November 22, 2004

If you blog again... 

...people will read. At least that's what I've been told.

So here we go. Don't hold me to anything, because clearly I'm busy enough to take a half-year hiatus every now and then.

Let's have some fun discussing...MUH JUNIOR!!!! Yes, the Mistress of Unintentional Humor has been reborn, and she's sitting across from me. Problem is she's just not as funny as MUH Senior, so I'm grappling with the proper nomenclature. Maybe "Semi-MUH" or "Not as Much of a MUH as the Original MUH, but Nonetheless a MUH"

I can't believe I actually think about these things, but as is typical, I digress. So, Muh Junior recently told me that I must be gay, because I have highlights in my hair. Apparently it's a proven fact. Not twenty minutes later, she reiterated her position that my wife and I made a big mistake purchasing wedding rings - they're apparently unneccesary and not worth the expense.

Naturally, I'm most insulted by the fact that I made a mistake buying a wedding ring for my wife. I mean, what was I thinking? There's no WAY that the woman with whom I'm going to spend every day for the rest of my life could POSSIBLY worth the one time expense of a wedding band. Sorry, Princess, MJ thinks we're dumb. She must be right, because she'd rather buy a place in Allston than Cambridge because "Allston's so close." Can't argue with that logic, except when you look at a map. Oh yeah, and the picture of the run-down hovel she calls a "good deal" in Allston.


By the way, anyone ever have the issue of trying to get into a building via a revolving door, but being unable to do so due to stupid people? You know, the four college kids who decide to act their age by walking into the door and continuing around the full circle, SIX FECKING TIMES!?!?!?!

You'd think Darwin would have something for these people. Guess not.


Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Are you kidding me? 

Reason # 1 million why I have a blog

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Duuuuuuude... 

I'm back. I'm sorry everyone. I know you've been waiting for your stupid people fix.

I'd love to say that I've been gone for so long because all of the stupid people in the world fell of the face of the planet, but alas, it's simply not true.

Where have I been? What's new? Want a rundown? Well, you're getting one anyway...

1) I changed departments at work. I'm now consulting companies on benefits I like dealing with. No offense to my old buddies up there on the 9th floor, but that poo is boring.

2) MUH IS GONE! Nah nah nah nah. Nah nah nah nah. HEY HEY HEY. Goodbye. Yeah, she "left" our company and is now doing...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! I'm actually a little bit upset. I'm losing quite a bit of material here. I mean, how many times will I be able to say "I so frucking piss off right now" without it getting old? So here's my question. A woman with one child in college and another ready to go to college just leaves her job? Without having another one lined up? Come on. That's about as believable as Tim Robbins performance as a professional baseball player in "Bull Durham." Her ass was fired. I'm sure of it. And I couldn't be happier.

3) The stupidity level of my office complex, currently at level orange, will switch to red the day they open the Krispy Kreme Doughnuts at the entrance to the food court. I mean, come on. High traffic area. Can't wait to push through Dumbass 1 and Dumbass 2 as they wait for their 8 dozen doughnuts right at noon. Why? Because they're tourists. Yes, I'm bitter.

4) Since I last posted, both the Oscars and the Golden Globe Awards happened. All I have to say is that Peter Jackson must have made a bajillion dollars on those movies. My god. He could pay me 200K a year, not even think about it, and I could dress him to look like a friggin human being.

5) Oprah's a problem people. She's getting out of hand. She must be stopped. I'll give a diatribe once I've consulted with my loo-alike, who feels the same way as I do. For a picture of my look-alike, or if you're female, love Neil Young and want to date a really nice guy, drop me a line.

6) $%^@ the Yankees.

7) Mel Gibson. Putz. You can't make a movie, say the purpose is to inspire the Christians of the world, have people come out of the movie claiming to be inspired, and then sell replica crucifixion nails as part of your merchandising campaign. Don't you think that's just a tad bit immoral? Hypocritical? Not only that, but I sure as hell have more proof that the Holocaust actually happened than I do of the fact that anything represented in the Passion occurred. I'm not saying it didn't happen, Catholics/Christians/whatever, I'm just saying I've seen shoes, hair, ovens and gas chambers in Germany. The only proof I have of the story of Christ is in the Bible. Half of which I'm taught not to believe. All of which is drummed into my head by most people on the pro-Amendment side of the gay marriage argument. Either way, please remember when having an intelligent argument with me that nobody will ever prove anything to me by pointing to verses in the bible. It's a story. The best story every written? By far. But to me, it's still a story. Some things are missing. Read the DaVinci code, and you'll see what kind of questions I have. Religious discussion over.

Except this: If the son of God were around today, would we know? Or would we lock him away for being psychologically deviant? I'm not convinced...

8) $%^@ the Yankees.

9) See 6 and 8.

10) Wedding's coming soon. Still no song. I feel retarded.

Ok, I think that's it for now. I'll be back soon, I hope...

Friday, December 05, 2003

Ever have one of those days? 

Just got off the phone with my buddy Lu-dog. He reminded me that I haven't posted in a while. Not only that, but he kindly informed me that I'm lazy, my mom dresses me funny and my feet smell like small dead animals.

Thanks, Lu-dog.

Anyway, I'm having a boring day. It's not that I don't have work, because I do. I just don't feel like doing anything.

So, I'm going to write about nothing in particular today. Is that ok? It's not? Well, I don't really care what you think.

So here goes:

1. Does everyone else have a person in your office that will ask a question in a meeting or training session for the sole purpose of letting everyone else know that they're really cool? Do you need an example? Ok, here:

"So when I was performing an analysis of the rate at which fleas mate during October, I used a random Poisson Process with a parameter equal to 40. Which leads right into my question...what time is the holiday party next week?"

I hate those people.

2. If you don't already have one, get a Nerf dart gun. They're safe. They're fun. And you can shoot the fruitcakes that talk about themselves all the time. And they'll call you colorful, and say you "add much needed personality and levity to the office." Which really means that everyone thinks you're a pain in the ass. A fun-loving pain in the ass, but a pain in the ass.

3. Six months from my wedding. Yay. May the freaking out commence.

4. Princess' company got bought out by its competitor. Many changes are supposedly going into effect. Among the changes: better 401(k), more defined vacation policy (only 2 weeks for Princess -- major suckage), a more rigid dress code. But the one that I find hysterical is this:

NO OPEN CONTAINERS IN WORKSTATIONS.

That's right. Princess can't have a cup of coffee on her desk unless it's in a closed container. My suggestion is a baby bottle. Actually, three of them. One for water, one for coffee, one for juice or soda. That'll show the bastards who's boss.

How funny would it be to see the entire department sipping water out of a nipple-topped bottle?

5. Go Sox. Yay Curt Schilling. Boo Yankees. You are the anti-Christ.

6. Beyonce Knowles -- you are also the anti-Christ. If you slept with George Steinbrenner and had a child, it would look exactly like Satan.

7. Get an iPod if you don't have one yet. They make life fun.

8. MUH is still an idiot. She got frucking piss off again the other day. I couldn't contain my laughter.

9. Somewhere, somebody in this country is currently singing to himself: "Shake it like a polaroid picture"

10. For those of you entering the stage in your life when your friends are getting married, here's some advice: If what you're picking out appears on their registry, and what you're about to buy is NOT the item on the registry, put it down. Follow the rules. They're very simple.

My aunt decided to get us a spice rack, a cocktail shaker, a cheese grater and several other kitchen items. All of which were on our registry, and still are. The tupperware container with her stuff from Lechter's is currently occupying space in the closet.

We have no problem with people going off the registry, as long as there's a good reason for it. We trust you. We love you. Just promise us, no more wine glasses, ok?


That's all for now. I'll try to be more creative at some point, but I make no promises.


George's Word of the Day: Dyspeptic. I have no idea. You tell me.

Literary reference of the Day: Do fish ever get seasick


Points to anyone with a definition and/or Author and Title.

Friday, November 21, 2003

Bored at work? 

Need some stupid, but addictive, ways to kill some time? Check this out.

Stupid Jumbos! 

Now here's a mascot that students can really identify with.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Cost Cutting 

When times get tough, the tough cut office supplies.

Which is, of course, ridiculous.

We have an ongoing war, here in my office, between the employees on my floor and the evil empire composed of our cat-lady office manager and the group of Nazi trained individuals that order our supplies and other "perks."

Yes, since the economy went south for the winter, we only carry one type of pen in three different colors. We get our hot chocolate supply replenished about as often as the Democratic Party decides to put up a candidate for President that I'd actually vote for.

Wait, actually that's only happened once in my lifetime, so maybe we get our hot chocolate a little more often than that.

But, again, as usual, I digress.

Today's skirmish -- The Battle of the Narrow Rule.

We math geek types like our narrow ruled paper. It allows us to fit more lines when we do our long division.

But narrow ruled paper is not "in our contract" according to Satan and her worshippers, so they need to charge our department every time they order it. Not only that, but every time we order our cherished paper, they treat us like that boutique treated Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman." Even though we have money to spend on paper, they don't think we should be using it there.

What's the big flippin' deal? It's PAPER! How expensive can it possibly be? Aren't there other things we can cut back on, and keep something that actually helps us stay efficient and well documented?

I'm not going to even get into the fact that we probably spend MORE in pens because people are more apt to throw them out if they don't like them.

GIVE ME MY ROLLERBALL PENS BACK!


Ok, I vented. That feels much better. Anybody else having this problem at work?


George's Phrase of the Day: "spot of undercooked potato" Used when my friend Frank was late for a meeting, George said, "Frank, welcome. We were beginning to think you were just a spot of undercooked potato." It's a literary reference actually. First person to give me the author and title will get ten points. Personally, I hope he never uses this one again.

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